A Letter To The Man Who Abandoned Me When I Needed Him The Most
You promised. You promised that you were going to stay by my side until the end of our days, so where are you now? Where are you now that I need you the most?
You gave me your word that you were going to be there for me until everything was fine and even beyond that, but you broke that promise and you left me to fall alone, without anyone to save me. You promised you wouldn’t leave me. But you did. You failed to be there for me when I needed you the most.
I’ve suffered from depression ever since I can remember and you thought that it wasn’t that big of a deal, because you loved me from head to toe, you loved my soul, my heart AND my mind. I could never understand what you saw in me, but what you did see was your whole world, your whole life. Or at least that is what you would tell me.
You see, depression isn’t the same as being sad. If you’re sad, you have a reason for that, but depression is a mental illness that doesn’t allow you to smile when the sun is out and it doesn’t allow you to dance when your favorite song is playing.
We had a rough start. I would burst into tears whenever I was alone with my thoughts for too long and when I would call you, you would always be there for me, sometimes not leaving my house for days, making me tea and food to eat, because I wouldn’t have eaten otherwise. You taught me that not all people were going to abandon me. That changed so soon.
After years of good and bad days, you started to look at me like a burden, like you would look at someone who only makes your life harder. Your life would’ve been much easier without me, right? I would cry myself to sleep every night because I started to notice the changes in your behavior. You weren’t there for me when I thought that the whole world was against me, you weren’t there when my dark thoughts would kick in and made me bedbound for days. It’s scary to be alone with your thoughts. It’s a death sentence when you have depression.
I never wanted you to suffer, I never wanted you to dedicate everything you could to someone like me. But you still did. Until the point when you didn’t. Until the day I opened the door and you told me that you wanted to take your stuff back to your place, because there was no need for it to be at mine.
You told me that your life was too short to spend it with someone like me. Someone who wasn’t able to fight for herself. You told me that I simply wasn’t worth it. You made me believe that myself.
For days, months, even years, I was never second-guessing your decision. I was always the one in need and I thought that I never gave anything in return. So when my mind cleared up, I saw it all in a way I’d never thought would be possible.
I saw your behavior from the start, but I thought that I was imagining it. I saw the way your eyes would travel over the bodies of other women. I saw the way you would exchange looks with them, not knowing what you would do with them after I went home. I always thought that the words you would tell me, the insults I endured, that I actually deserved them. I never thought, even for a second, that I had something to forgive you for, even though I forgave you too many times without even knowing.
With this in mind, I would always come back to everything and I did stop seeing everything as my own fault. If you really did love me, those things wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have suffered even more than I already did. It’s like you did it on purpose, to make my pain stronger. As if it wasn’t already strong enough.
I did need you. I needed you to show me that life is not meant to be this tough. That life is beautiful and wild and easy. For a split second, I even thought that it was.
But let me tell you that you have taught me a great lesson. You’ve made me see that no one can save me unless I save myself. I need to be the one who will show myself the sunny day and the starry night. I need to show myself the flowers and those beautiful butterflies. I need to show myself my own beauty. It was never your job to begin with.
Today, I am the one who is stronger, because you gave up and I was left fighting on my own. Getting stronger, defeating everything that was on my road to happiness. And I did it all by myself.
But I do need to thank you for making me realize this. So, thank you. That was your purpose, probably.
I made myself coffee this morning and I laughed at the thought of the little, broken girl who I was before. She does come back to me from time to time. She visited last night and she scared me, made me cry. But this morning she is gone and I am stronger than ever. I know that I can conquer the world all by myself. Even without you. Most probably without you.